Category: vintage clothing

The color may have been permanent, but it h…

The color may have been permanent, but it had been worth it. They were heroes, the real thing. Interviews on both local TV news programs (and they got to meet co-anchor Harvey Steele – dreamy!), newspaper articles, and just yesterday a call from Look magazine! Lisa had it the worst, of course, all the way up to her hips. But they had all helped. And to think – if they hadn’t been taking a Virginia Slims smoke break from their temp job at Garwood paints they never would have heard the cries from that kid drowning in Vat 12 (“Canary Sunrise”).

“No, seriously, it’s stuck in my hair….

“No, seriously, it’s stuck in my hair.”
“How can it be—?”
“It’s just stuck, okay? I think one of your bananas got hooked. Try wiggling.”
“I am, but it’s like it’s glued on or something. What do you have in your hair?”
“Aqua Net, alright? If you must know, I used Aqua-Net in my hair this morning.”
“Why—?”
“Because I was in a hurry and it was all I could find, okay?”
“Still stuck. Try pulling harder.”
(pause)
“I can’t.”
“Well, why not?”
(pause)
“Because this isn’t my real hair.”

When the statue was first unveiled, it rece…

When the statue was first unveiled, it received almost universal derision. Standing over three-hundred-and-eighty feet tall, it dwarfed the next-tallest structure, the grain elevator on the south of town, by almost two-hundred feet. But over time, “Quilted Beige” became a local landmark, putting Harmony, Iowa on the map. “It’s an eyesore, sure,” says Mayor Bernie Banks. “But it’s our eyesore.”

“No, seriously though. Are you really a chick or just a tall,…

“No, seriously though. Are you really a chick or just a tall, skinny boy with a bad haircut?”

Xan-dar, Goddess of Burnt Orange, we bring you the sacrifices…

Xan-dar, Goddess of Burnt Orange, we bring you the sacrifices you requested. A poorly knitted bag made from the feathers of a thousand Crontharrs. The coiled, tumorous gonads of a Granthuum Beast. And a basket of mums. We beseech thee, please. May we wear blue again?

“Is he here?”“Shush, I’ll let you know as soon as…

“Is he here?”
“Shush, I’ll let you know as soon as I–”
“Wait, I thought you said–”
“Just…quiet, all of you! You’re going to give us away!”
“Well, it’s hot up here. Just because you’re the first doesn’t make you the boss.”
“I never said I was–look, do We want to meet him or not?”
“Yes!”
“Yes!”
“Yes!”
“Yes!”
“Yes!”
“Okay, then. Now, remember, I only told him We were tall. So, please, just try to act natural?”

 
“Is he here?”

“Mr. Harms, I’m… I’m afraid it’s much worse than we…

“Mr. Harms, I’m… I’m afraid it’s much worse than we originally thought.”
“You mean…?”
The doctor sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Yes. The redness of the skin has spread to her entire body now. That we could deal with, but the sores have metastasized to her skin. Most of them have already begun producing spore pockets. The next phase will be…”
“Please. Don’t tell me.”
“Have you been following the procedure we talked about? Regarding her condition?”
“Yes. I told her it was a poorly crocheted vest my mother made for her birthday.”
The doctor nodded. “Good. It will make the end more comfortable for her if she’s unaware.”
A pause. “How long does she have?”
“Given her condition? I don’t think she’ll make it into the Eighties.”

“Hahhaha! (Straighten up, Gina, or you’ll blow this gig…

“Hahhaha! (Straighten up, Gina, or you’ll blow this gig for the both of us!)”
“I—*snort*—can’t help it! It’s all plaid! The coat, the pants—it’s all plaid!
“I know! But please, just this once, try to act like a professional!”
“And the shoes!”
“Gina!”

Nigel sighed. It was time admit it. This latest plan to bring…

Nigel sighed. It was time admit it. This latest plan to bring new customers into the bar was a bolloxed mess just like the rest; the Tower of London souvenir pewter mugs, the Russian nesting teapots. Even his collection of old Jerry medals from the Big War only caught a glance from some of the old geezers. He should never have listened to that slick salesman from Brighton talking a load of codswallop. See? So life like! Just set them up at the bar and watch the mods come running! You’ll have more new customers than you know what to do with! Then it was a wink and a check and he never saw him again. Or any new customers, for that matter. What was he going to tell the missus this time? He pulled another glass from the sink, sighed again. It just wasn’t the same as pre-war. Now that was a time to run a pub.

Your new fembot also comes with seven interchangeable torsos,…

Your new fembot also comes with seven interchangeable torsos, featuring The Cheryl Tiegs (in your choice of Poorly Sutured SnakeSkin or Raspberry Mandala Sores), the Davy Jones, The classic Farrah, and our new Bicentennial Charlie’s Angels line. Or, just relax on the beach with the original Sally Kellerman model.