I see. And may I remind you that I still have a little something in my office safe I like to call the “Jeremy File”. Would you like to know what’s in the “Jeremy File”, Jeremy? I’m sure your wife would be very curious to know. Especially that lovely photo of you and that redhead from stenography jumping up and down on a waterbed at the Lucky Strike Motel wearing nothing but bunny ears.
The Frankenheimer account is mine, Jeremy. Mine.
I’ve… got… my… polka-dot tie, and I’m flyin’ so high,
Like the butterfly it’s in the shape of!
‘Cause my baby said ‘yes’, in her polka-dot dress,
And I know that we will never break up!
I had thought we were through,
‘Cause I only wore blue,
Then I switched to red and my, oh, my!
She’s now my red-hot honey in her polka-dot dress,
And I’m her fella in my polka-dot tie!
“Almost two hours! She’s been standing frozen in that pose for, like, two hours!”
“What’s she doing?”
“Beats me. Angela says she thinks she’s a robot.”
“Yes, like, a real robot. She says she saw her drinking oil in the dressing room.”
“Well, Angela says she saw it. And not Wesson, but that 3-In-One oil you get out of the can that goes pucka-pucka-puck.”
“You…you think it’s true?”
“I don’t know. But I’m not letting some android chick take all the good gigs just ‘cause she can hold a pose forever. First chance I get—”
“I…I think I hear whirring…”
No, seriously, Chuck. Did I get the promotion or not? I mean, all kidding aside, you gotta level with me. I’ve been working my butt off on the Magllicutty account — two years, and no summer vacation with the kids this year just so’s I could take Old Man Magillicutty to the links, and then he runs off with some waitress he meets in the clubhouse before we can even finish the back nine. Chuck? It’s the shirt, isn’t it? Ahhgg! I knew I should have gone with Woodstock!
So, Mr. Bahnd, we finally know your true identity. Pity. I would have thought a haberdasher a far more challenging adversary than a simple tie maker.
Set in sunny California, “Perky Polyester” was the Fortrel Company’s ill-fated venture into the burgeoning Saturday Morning kid’s programming. The show seemed to have everything it needed: money, a good time slot after the Bugaloos, and the lead performance of child actor Suzee Swanson, fresh off a hit orange juice commercial (“Get your SQEEEEEEEEZE o’ sunshine!!!”). She played Perky, an overly-caffeinated kid of indeterminate age who tooled around the beaches in her magical spokeless red WonderBus having adventures with her friends. But the insistence of Fotrel’s CEO to include his daughter as the fourth member of the cast was the death knell when it was discovered she had the first documented case of being allergic to a color (yellow). Funding was pulled soon after, and the project was reworked as “Wonder Bug”.
Dr. Rodriguez rubbed his hands in glee. Yes! Yes! Success! The Invert-a-Stretch works! He did a little jig around his laboratory. Now I can have all of the tall blondes I want!
“Mommy, why did Becky —”
“Hush, dear! Becky wants us to get our photo taken and we need to be good little girls, don’t we?”
“But the man —”
“— the man is nice looking, isn’t he? And he’s going to take our picture, just like Becky wanted him to. He was just being silly when he told her no.”
“Well I think he’s silly now without a mouth. And his face is all melty.”
“Hahahaha! No, dear, he’s just fine! He likes it like that.”
“I don’t want to smile anymore.”
“Oh, no, dear, we must smile and be happy, because it’s a good day, isn’t it? It’s a good day!”
“I swear, Barbara, if I didn’t know better —”
“Oh, Steve, I’ve told you a hundred times already. Buckles are so yesterday. Now, smile for Lars.”
“Lars? He’s just the photographer. Since when did he become Lars? Besides, I’m not talking about the belt, I’m talking about the shirt.”
“I thought brown and yellow were your favorite colors?”
“They are, but…this pattern…”
“Oh, you silly goose! Lars said you might be camera shy.”
“I’m not camera shy! I mean, where did you find this guy?”
(whispers) “Well, what kind of photographer carries a gun in his camera bag?”
“Look, if you’re going to be such a big baby about, why don’t you try closing your eyes for the first shot? I mean, photo? You know, just to get used to it?”
“Fine, but just so you know, this is the last time I’m wearing this shirt.”
“Okay by me. Smile!”
“No, seriously, she actually believes she’s Marcia Brady. Here real name is Becky. I saw it on the contract when her mother dropped her off.”
“Seriously? That’s so weird!”
“Tell me about it!”
“She does kind of look like her, you know.”
“Are you kidding?! Her cheekbones are all wrong, for one. I mean, if anyone should know, it’s me, right?”
“Wait… what do you mean?”
“Well, silly! I’m Jan Brady, remember?”