Category: vintage catalogs

When the statue was first unveiled, it rece…

When the statue was first unveiled, it received almost universal derision. Standing over three-hundred-and-eighty feet tall, it dwarfed the next-tallest structure, the grain elevator on the south of town, by almost two-hundred feet. But over time, “Quilted Beige” became a local landmark, putting Harmony, Iowa on the map. “It’s an eyesore, sure,” says Mayor Bernie Banks. “But it’s our eyesore.”

“Mr. Harms, I’m… I’m afraid it’s much worse than we…

“Mr. Harms, I’m… I’m afraid it’s much worse than we originally thought.”
“You mean…?”
The doctor sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Yes. The redness of the skin has spread to her entire body now. That we could deal with, but the sores have metastasized to her skin. Most of them have already begun producing spore pockets. The next phase will be…”
“Please. Don’t tell me.”
“Have you been following the procedure we talked about? Regarding her condition?”
“Yes. I told her it was a poorly crocheted vest my mother made for her birthday.”
The doctor nodded. “Good. It will make the end more comfortable for her if she’s unaware.”
A pause. “How long does she have?”
“Given her condition? I don’t think she’ll make it into the Eighties.”

“Now, pay attention, 007; I shan’t have to explain it to you…

“Now, pay attention, 007; I shan’t have to explain it to you twice. You’ll exit the aircraft at three-thousand feet, using the attached bat-wing cowling and wireframed trousers to float onto the roof of the embassy. The safe is in the study on the third floor. Once you’ve retrieved the plans you simply remove the cowling and stride into the ambassador’s dinner as if you’re queen of the ball.“
“I don’t know…drag isn’t usually my thing…”
“How about I throw in a Maribou Shrug?”
“Done.”

“Hahhaha! (Straighten up, Gina, or you’ll blow this gig…

“Hahhaha! (Straighten up, Gina, or you’ll blow this gig for the both of us!)”
“I—*snort*—can’t help it! It’s all plaid! The coat, the pants—it’s all plaid!
“I know! But please, just this once, try to act like a professional!”
“And the shoes!”
“Gina!”

Your new fembot also comes with seven interchangeable torsos,…

Your new fembot also comes with seven interchangeable torsos, featuring The Cheryl Tiegs (in your choice of Poorly Sutured SnakeSkin or Raspberry Mandala Sores), the Davy Jones, The classic Farrah, and our new Bicentennial Charlie’s Angels line. Or, just relax on the beach with the original Sally Kellerman model.

“Now, pay attention, 007; I shan’t have to explain it to you…

“Now, pay attention, 007; I shan’t have to explain it to you twice. Each button on the coat has a unique purpose. The top left button is a hidden camera, top right a microphone. The next row consists of a tiny speaker which emits an ear-piercing scream when its alternate is pressed. Press the two in the next row simultaneously and an oil slick is emitted from your trousers.”
“What about the bottom two?”
“They keep your coat from falling open. Finally, pressing the top two buttons of the shirt converts your collar into a single-use helicopter. Mind the tips as they can put out your eye if you’re not careful. And, 007?”
”Yes?”
“Try to return it without any stains on it this time, will you?”

Estranged Osmond cousin Mitch founded “The Paisleys” in…

Estranged Osmond cousin Mitch founded “The Paisleys” in 1973, an obvious attempt to cash in on his more popular cousin’s popularity. At 28, he was a little old for the teen crowd; nevertheless, the group recorded and released a single, “Bubblegum Kitty Love”, which failed to chart in the US. It became a minor hit in Japan in the late 70’s, however, after the distributor inadvertently pasted the label to “I Want You To Want Me” by Cheap Trick on the 45.

“Okay, Cindy, now’s your chance. His friends just took off on…

“Okay, Cindy, now’s your chance. His friends just took off on their bikes.”
“And you’re sure it’ll work?”
“No, it’s fine, right, Connie? Look, my brother got it from his sister direct. He’s got a collection of Good Housekeepings under his bed.“
“Okay, well, I hope so. I ruined my mom’s best tablecloth just to make this shirt with my Sew Easy.” 

“No, he’s not. I heard mommy say so. He’s…

“No, he’s not. I heard mommy say so. He’s just a nice man who lets you live in our house because he feels sorry for you. Your real dad is in the circus and makes funny faces and drinks brown juice out of bottles and falls down a lot. Now give me your balloon, or I won’t tell you who your real mommy is.”

Don’t be too bummed, Gregory. Barry and I have the Indian and…

Don’t be too bummed, Gregory. Barry and I have the Indian and Construction Guy parts covered, but we still have an opening for someone to play the Cop or the Army Guy. You interested?